Life has taught me to be strong...to be more than what I am ...to strech my horizons every once in a while and search for new beginings,or endings ,perhaps. To create,new boundaries...that's right creation of a life, a masterpice is what we are all supposed to accomplish in this life...No heaven or hell, only one chance...just this life

With every step I become closer to me , to my capabilities and as I'm entering my other chapter of life, I question, what is yet to come next? And I ask the creator, show me the way...show me the signs...give me belief..faith..hope....

نازنينم...در خلوت خيالم به آغوشت ميخزم...با صداى گرمت به خواب ميروم و با نفس هايت نفس ميكشم...كاش اينجا بودى..كاش نميرفتى...كاش ميدانستى كه آغوش گرمت عادت است تركم نميشود....اما تو عادت نبودى كه از خاطرم محو شوى...تو خود زندگى بودى...هستى

...نازنينم در خلوته خيال خود ميغلتم تا شايد خواب چشمهاى مهربانت را ببينم

On the last session of our Dreamality class,the teacher told us to apprecaite one another and be generous about it...A friend(who once was a complete stranger ) came to me and told me :"Azadeh , I really wanna appreacite you...You have this gracefulness and softness about you that makes people love you and look at you with respect"...And she said alot more, but the rest are not the issue in here. I really liked what I heard because she was being sincere and true, because she gave me hope that poeple do notice subtle things and that they can be generously expressing their feelings. I accepted her compliments with joy

............
Another assignment was to bend the spoons that each of us were given at the begining of the session...Although I couldn't bend mine on the first few trials, I learned that I still need to pure myself and be more present in the momentand above all, learn that I simplay am...I have a long way to go...but atleast Im starting my path and I know anyway I choose will be the right choice(there are many ways to reach to God),becasue I am the devine being and I choose to be the person of integrity throughout my life...I ,finally,bent my spoon in the car on the way back ...

Once again I'm all on my own...I guess I'm old enough now to carry all these on my shoulders and accept all that is(sometimes I used to wonder why God gave me wide shoulders)...I blame me for being shy and simple, while that's the least childhood scar I carry with me along to these years...some certian traps in life, you can never get away from, no matter how positive and optimistic you are, things won't get any better...I always struggled to be the cause only to remember I'm still the effect of all these years f silence...

I know what I'm not but who I really am? I'm way different than "me" in my imaginations,
I'm tired already and I have only come this far...I want to believe someday I'm gonna wake up,free from all the roots and limitations but stranded like a sinking ship that no one sees the flames, whispering SOS...like a diving bell...with buterflies

It's getting harder and harder for me to write in here...Some times I dream of writing things, saying words...words that never make their way to this blog...but are rather devoured in my silence and indifference...I wish I could stop the time,from growing old, from grown-up obligations, from unlimited expectations ...But here I am , seeing myself yet another year older...can't escape life and my destiny...
So many people I have met and so few of them I see
Life has taught me so many things and I have learned them all, like a well-behaved kid

...

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too muchso you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure you really are strong you really do have worth and you learn and you learn with every goodbye, you learn...

Veronica Shoffstall

I'm not happy with the status quo and I need a change

A major change in my lifesyle,relationship and how I see things...

I need new glasses, don't care much about the brand, just wanna see better...and different

.

..

...

Life is showing me a new challenge everyday and I'm tired of exams...have taken it so many times and many times even haven't been rewarded

I wish I could start over again, my entire life...

I wish I had an option
I wish I could selfishly get away...from him ... from everything

I wish I could give up

Tonight I wish upon the stars...I need an eternal lucid dream

امروز فصل ديگه اى از دفتر زندگيم به اتمام رسيد...2 سال پيش اين موقع كلى آرزو داشتم ، كلى هراس و نگرانى و دلهره

دلشوره ها هنوز هست، اما ديگه تو اون مرحله زندگى نيستم

دارم هى بزرگ و بزرگتر ميشم

يه زمانى فكر ميكردم از زنگى جلو ترم، ولى ياد گرفتم كه زندگى مسابقه نيست...صف كوپن هم نيست....پس چيه؟

دانشگاه هم باز تموم شد، ولى شديدا احساس خلا ميكنم...هنوز تا دو ماهه ديگه بيست و چهار سالمه

ولى هنوز برنامه جدى براى زندگيم نريختم...حسش هم نيست حالا حالا ها...ولى سخت مشغول فكرم...يعنى همه آدما بعد از اين مرحله زندگى به پوچى ميرسن يا فقط منم؟دارم فكر ميكنم من كه اصلا تا آخر عمرم نميخوام مهندس بمونم

درست نبود يه راه ديگه اى رو انتخاب ميكردم؟هالا با اين مدركم چيكار كنم؟از حالا به بعد چه چيزيرو مقصر تنبلى يا كوتاهى هام بدونم؟

من انگييييييييييييييييييييييييييييييزه ميخوام

آيه ميخوام

تقصير من نيست كه پوستم كلفت شده...بعضى وقتا سخت پوست شدن از صفات انسانيه...گاهى وقتا حالم از محيط كار به هم ميخوره...گاهى وقتا حالم از ادما به هم ميخوره، خصوصا اونايى كه منطق و وقار ندارن ...چجورى ميشه آدم يه كار اشتباهى بكنه بد وجدان درد نگيره...ما زمينى ها با اين شعور و ادعامون موجودات حقيرى هستيم...كاش تو جامعه انسانى رقابت وجود نميداشت...فكر كنم دنيا جاى زندگى ميشد...مسئله اينه كه ادما انقدر درگير جاه و مقام و منفعت خودشون ميشن كه فرستى براى انسان زيستى نيست

روزها از پی هم می گذرند و من همچنان تک تک لحظات یکنواخت زندگی را لمس می کنم و در این یکنواختی به تمام لحظه های از دست رفته می اندیشم و… خیلی از ناگفته ها وجود دارد که شاید تغییر در روال آنها بتواند مسیر زندگی ام را تغییر دهد. فقط یک جو اراده می طلبد و همت ، همت ، و پشتکار… و من بیقرارم برای اینکه بدانم در این سال جدید سرنوشت فریبکار چه برایم رقم زده و چه خواهد کرد . حس لحظه سال تحویل را دارم که با خود فکر می کنم که امسال چه خواهد شد و در این مسیری که باید طی شود خواست خدا چیست ؟می دانم که همه چیز به خودم بستگی دارد(این جمله را بارها و بارها از یک دوست شنیده ام) ولی می خواهم خودم تغییر دهم و این تغییر را در تک تک سلولهاى وجودم حس کنم

A Shattered Sister hood

I wonder what makes two people so different...No I won't go that far.What makes two siblings from same parents so different? We are all partially to blame...I would never think of a day when we would be so harsh to each other, so unkind...and that they came,alas....
if I only knew when she was pulling my hands at the airport, begging me not to leave,that one day she would be so far and distant that it would take light years to reach her heart...and if I knew her cute little good bye notes and dried flowers between her letters are her last blessings for me...
What did go wrong?and who is the victim? me,her,or a broken family?
All I care about is her happiness

اين دكتر هولاكويى هم آدم عجيبييه... آخره كلاساش ميدوه بيرون با عجله كه يه وقت سالاد ميوه دير نشه! هر وقت هم كه ميشه ازش سوال كرد ميگه "پيش منم نياين مزاحمم نشين

سره كلاس هم كه روم نميشه ازش بپرسم....در رابطه با بحث خويشتن خويش،سوال من اينه:با توجه به هميه نظريه هايى كه در رابطه با حقيقته زندگى وجود داره، واقعا نقش ما ادما تو زندگى چيه؟ يعنى به نظرم زندگى هم ميتونه ساده باشه و هم خيلى پيچيده، مهم نگرش هر آدميست به اون بعدى از زندگى كه سوال بر انگيزه...اين موضوع خيلى مهمه، مثلا من بايد بدونم كه هدفم از اين زندگى چيه....اگه مسئه موفقيت در مراحل زندگيه، ( كه البته اينم خودش جايه بحثه)و طى كردن نردبان طرقى و جلو زدن از همه هست، مثله نظريه كه فيلم "سيكرت" دفاع ميكنه،خب پس آدما فقط بايد به فكر خودشون باشن و به آدمهاى ديگه توجه نكنن....ولى اگه مسئله اينهه كه اين دنيا يه حالت تناسخ و هولوگرامه يا هرچيزه ديگه هست كه اونوقت روش زندگييه آدما باهم متفاوت ميشه، اونوقته كه آدم بايد فكر بعد ديگه يى از زندگى باشه، يعنى اينكه كمك كنه، دنيا جاى بهترى براى زندگى باشه، اونوقته كه رقابت هيچ معنايى ندره، اون وقته كه من لازم نيست آرزو كنم كه وقتى بزرگ تر شدم بخوام "پورش" بخرم، چون واقعا هدف و معناى زندگى والا تر از همه اينهاست....بعيد ميدونم كسى واقعا جواب اين سوالا رو بدونه،كاشكى من كه منتور يا يه مرشد داشتم